Everyone Needs an Underground House

Have you ever wanted to feel the fear and anticipation of possibly being buried alive at any moment? I never have, but you might’ve and that’s why I’m writing this. I’m assuming that you, like most people, think that everyone should think the way that you do and that you’re always right in your opinion and they’re horribly wrong if their opinion is different than yours. Due to my assumption about you and your thoughts, I have titled this essay everyone needs an underground house (not just you), so that I don’t get on your bad side by disagreeing with your opinion about underground housing and wanting to feel the fear and anticipation of possibly being buried alive at any moment.

There are many reasons why one might want an underground house (besides wanting to feel the fear and anticipation of possibly being buried alive at any moment). One of these reasons could be that for years you’ve wanted to try the nutritious, protein-filled bugs and insects that everyone’s been telling you about, but you’ve never known where to get them or maybe you did know where to get them, but you didn’t have easy access to them. Well, then I’ve got some good news for you! I know where to get them! And I know how you can get easy access to them! You want an underground house. Correction: you need an underground house. Right now, you may be loitering in a hallway or sitting on a park bench thinking to yourself: Why do I need an underground house to get nutritious, protein-filled bugs and insects? Those things don’t relate to each other at all. This is where you’re going to have to swallow your pride and shove it far down inside you and save it for when you’re arguing with your strong-willed and probably right great-grandfather, because I’m going to give you a hard truth pill to eat. You are wrong. They do relate. Here’s why: When you’re sitting on your couch in your underground house and you get a hankering for nutritious, protein-filled bugs and insects, you can stand up, walk over to your window, open it up, and stick your arm out. When you pull your arm out of the grimy dirt that sits outside your window, you will find your arm crawling with the nutritious, protein-filled bugs and insects you’ve been searching for.

If you’re an introvert, you will strongly relate to my next point. If you’re an extrovert, go find yourself an apartment on the crowded streets of New York; an underground house is not for you. I am an introvert, so I know what I’m talking about. Everyone who’s anyone goes to either school, work, both, or has some other dreaded social interaction forced upon them. This means that at the end of the day the introverts are exhausted from interacting with all the people and want to be by themselves and enjoy the few minutes of sweet peace they’ll get until they have to do it all over again. It’s important to introverts that these few minutes be uninterrupted. The introverts want to enjoy the full extent of their minutes of solitude. If you’re an introvert, you already knew all of that and didn’t need to read my explanation, but thank you for being polite and reading it anyway. If you’re an extrovert, learn how to follow orders, I told you to quit reading at the beginning of the paragraph. As an introvert the appeal of an underground house is clear. The peace and solitude you will receive is incomparable to anything else in the world.

My final and arguably most convincing reason for getting an underground house is this: it’s cheap. Nowadays, money is everything. If you don’t have money, you don’t have anything. Nothing. Not happiness, not love, not education, not even a proper burial for your inevitable death, but with an underground house you can have all of those things and more. All you need is a shovel and you can dig your own underground house. That’s it! Then you’re done! It’s that simple! You, now, have your very own underground house!

I could go on for many more pages with reasons why everyone needs an underground house, but, let’s be honest, who has the time? I could spend my entire life writing this and still be coming up with reasons in the grave. You may think that I’m “just saying” that there’s many more reasons to convince you that everyone needs an underground house, but in reality I’m not bluffing. You’re wrong. I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t even get a chance to write about my personal favorite reason: you’ll be able to live like a hobbit. I could write a whole essay about only that. Unfortunately, that paragraph had to be edited out due to audience reasons. Apparently, not enough people are cultured in The Lord of the Rings and don’t know the day to day life of a hobbit (or have no desire to live like one), so it wouldn’t be as convincing an argument as I thought. 

I don’t think there’s anything else I could write that can convince you more than you already are. You know what you have to do. Find your shovel and dig your house.